More and more frequently the edges
of me dissolve and I become
a wish to assimilate the world, including
you, if possible through the skin
like a cool plant’s tricks with oxygen
and live by a harmless green burning.
I would not consume
you or ever
finish, you would still be there
surrounding me, complete
as the air.
Unfortunately I don’t have leaves.
Instead I have eyes
and teeth and other non-green
things which rule out osmosis.
So be careful, I mean it,
I give you fair warning:
This kind of hunger draws
everything into its own
space; nor can we
talk it all over, have a calm
There is no reason for this, only
a starved dog’s logic about bones.
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
the war on drugs - red eyes
3am epiphany: I take too damn long to learn my lessons. or I just don’t learn them at all. hitting straight back unthinkingly in foosball, scratching my scabs off even when I know perfectly well they’ll leave scars.. your heart won’t heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.
just mad at myself for being a moron (as usual). and for my weakness: how my emotions/actions are always at odds with what I know I should rationally do. like that line from Bonjour Tristesse about being governed by my instincts, being swayed far too easily..
also vaguely alarmed to find out I’ve become far too practised at tossing out platitudes and cliches to rationalise away the bad and put a positive spin on things - it’s better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger etc etc.. well, if it works at convincing others, I might just be able to persuade myself too. like sufjan stevens says, all things go, all things go - I know this will pretty much pass eventually. ultimately I know that in hindsight, this is all just part of the richer, shared human experience. otherwise the songs would not be invested with meaning, the words would not resonate. and an easy life isn’t an interesting one (..and now I’m rationalising it away with cliches again)
just.. sometimes, like right here and now - wish I didn’t have access to this particular part of the emotional spectrum. not enjoying being led to the flood. just trying to tide this through and take a leaf from laura marling to not be a victim of romance, chance or circumstance..
the mamas & the papas - california dreamin’
all the leaves are brown / and the sky is gray / I’ve been for a walk / on a winter’s day / I’d be safe and warm if I was in LA / california dreamin’ on such a winter’s day
stopped into a church / I passed along the way / well I got down on my knees / and I pretend to pray / you know the preacher liked the cold / he knows I’m gonna stay / california dreamin’ on such a winter’s day
all the leaves are brown / and the sky is gray / I’ve been for a walk / on a winter’s day / if I didn’t tell her I could leave today / california dreamin’ on such a winter’s day
fell in love with this when watching Chungking Express (also love Faye Wong’s cover of Dreams). reminds me of that Kyu Sakamoto song, in the way the cheery singsonginess of the song belies the melancholy underneath - pinning your hopes on how everything would be right so long as you escape to somewhere else (with better weather).
not quite sure why I was so moved by the movie itself either.. maybe it’s been too long since I’ve watched a really good one that I could empathise with. somehow Chungking Express is just a magical combination of everything - characters, lines and situations that really speak to you, beautiful cinematography, the city that’s almost like a character in its own right.. and the music of course.
for too long I’ve been going the route of choosing things that are easily digestible and with little substance. might be FOMO but well, this comes as a timely reminder that there are too many wonderful things out there that engage and challenge..
photography-wise: developed the film from the February trip, and found out that the digital photos on the hard drive are unsalvageable. 4 years of photos, gone. the irony of the film photos lasting longer is not lost on me.
when going through my film photo folder, had the sudden thought that maybe it’s easier to see the beauty in a place with the eyes of a tourist, even in the trivial and mundane. maybe I’ve been so bogged down in the daily routine that I’m taking this place for granted. it’s only boring so long as I let it be boring. need to explore and do more, rediscover this place with fresh eyes..
when a good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world
it’s just the end of a world that you have with one girl
we live in a generation of not being in love
and not being together
but we sure make it feel like we’re together
'cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else